My cousin was 8 months old when we first met. She was not yet talking, not yet walking. But full of so much personality and expression. Pure love and joy and exploring her life. And I had this thought: You mean everyone started out this way? This small? This utterly new to the world? Continue reading “Discover the Obvious.”
Category: love
Even here.
The other day, as I walked home from teaching my morning class, I noticed a man walking towards me. He looked agitated and unkempt, and was muttering to himself. And as we drew closer he looked up and saw me and began to move faster, and he leaned towards me as he passed and shouted, “You fucking bitch!” He was so close I could feel his breath against my cheek. Continue reading “Even here.”
Receive love, unconditionally.
I’m at a place in my life where I can look back at all my prior incarnations and feel so much love and compassion for the person I’ve been. I’ve forgiven her foolishness, and her painful choices. My heart breaks at her confusion and suffering. I go easy on her where she is too hard on herself, and beats herself up and has such profound misunderstandings about what’s going on. She’s doing the best she can. Continue reading “Receive love, unconditionally.”
Go first.
I used to wait for other people to love me, and I didn’t even realize it but it totally stressed me out. It was like I needed an invitation to open my heart. Does he like me? Are we friends? What does she think of me? Who will be the first to say “I love you”? If I say it first and he just says “Thanks” I’ll feel so stupid and awkward. Continue reading “Go first.”
The treasure is yours to keep.
Sometimes, as a relationship ends, there is a moment when you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. The wind is knocked out of you and you’re simply stunned and wide-eyed. It’s before the flood of other emotions overwhelms and takes you down. It’s a bright pain, like a band-aid being ripped off, and you feel suddenly raw and exposed. And then comes the feeling of ground falling out from under your feet, of your world collapsing, and the tightness in your throat cracks and brings you to your knees and the tears come like they’re never going to stop.
Sometimes, it’s like that. Continue reading “The treasure is yours to keep.”
Explore new territory.
I’ve noticed that going someplace new, whether across town or across the world, makes me feel awake and alive. I’m alert to my new surroundings, trying to process what’s going on around me while simultaneously getting my bearings and connecting it with the map in my head that places me in the world.
For instance: I used to feel very anxious driving in San Francisco. I’d have to psych myself up for the trip, map out in advance how I would get to my destination and (deep breath) pray I’d find an easy parking spot when I got there. Crossing the Bay Bridge, my heart would start to pound and I’d turn the radio down so I could put my full attention on my surroundings and plan: remembering what exit to take, and being super alert for all the cars, cyclists, and pedestrians.
Now I live here, and it’s no big deal. Continue reading “Explore new territory.”
Your body knows.
I was in a relationship. On the surface everything looked great, yet there was a deeper sense of something being off that would not go away. I was very rational. I laid out the pros and cons, and I stayed even though a little voice inside said No, this isn’t working. I felt deeply conflicted. There were hits of anxiety. . . a queasiness in the belly. I’d melt into tears without knowing why. I was really good at ignoring these feelings. I really, really wanted this relationship to work. I think my body knew it was over long before I could admit it to myself.
The body knows so much. It communicates with sensation, feelings, emotions. Continue reading “Your body knows.”
Feel everything.
Over the years I’ve explored a number of mindfulness practices. Each one reveals some clue or treat or tool. I’ve noticed lately that my baseline emotion has moved towards a more happy and uplifted place — a kind of internal upgrade.
Which is not to say that I don’t also experience sadness, disappointment, frustration, or jealousy. I still feel everything. I am becoming more sensitive, so am feeling more of everything. And I’m aware of my feelings in a slightly different way. They are more fluid. They move through me more easily and get stuck less often. They’re more vibrant than before. Less blinding, yet more intense. Continue reading “Feel everything.”
Identity.
Continuing my series on TEDxStanford, here are my notes from Joel Stein:
You are the sum of your experiences.
Identity is not discovered in a black box. Continue reading “Identity.”
What love does.
More of my notes from TEDxStanford, the one where I arrived in a police car. I’m sharing some of what I wrote in my program during the event. It might be a quote from the speaker, or it might be a thought I had at the time.
My key take away from Dr. Sanjiv Sam Gambhir is simply this: Continue reading “What love does.”
Kim Nicol 